We’ve all seen those kids who seem to bounce back from setbacks with grace, or handle conflicts without melting down. But here’s the thing: it isn’t luck or simply genes we as parents pass along, it’s us as parents that are probably (often) quietly incorporating these fundamentals in the background. I’ve researched enough (this is one of those “trust me bro” phrases) to wonder: How many of us are lacking those fundamentals in the chaos of everyday life? I’m no expert on parenting – far from it. I’ve made plenty of mistakes with my own children (but from an outsiders perspective, I would still consider them strong on the EI part), but logic dictates that emotional intelligence, or EQ, isn’t something you can learn at a seminar over a weekend. It is something that is cultivated by subtle behavior. Based on the knowledge I’ve gathered (along with the experience over the past decade together with my wife), here are seven habits that have surfaced. And these are pragmatic, not revolutionary, with my personal two cents for parents to focus on starting when young to foster self-awareness, empathy, and resilience.
Why EI May Matter More Than You Think
Let’s get real: in a world full of distractions and pressures, kids with high EQ navigate relationships, school, and eventually careers with an edge.. Research shows that the kids who have an attuned emotional side actually become adults with a strong stress-reduction system in place who can make strong connections with others. Consider your own childhood. Were feelings things to “get over” or to explore? In many cases, it’s the former, and we fill that void later on. The good thing is that you can make a change without changing your whole life.
Habit 1-3: Making Space for Feelings
These first habits are about not smothering emotions but giving them room to breathe.
- Let the power of silence work: If a kid (your child) is upset, resist telling them to do this or showing them that. Just be with the kids. Trust their inner voice and say, “It is important that feelings just pass.” Visualize a toddler having a tantrum over a broken toy; instead of saying, “Stop crying,” try quiet presence (In other words, resist the urge to jump in with advice or distractions). It will feel awkward at first, but it pays dividends.
- Label the emotions, beginning with yourself: I’m not talking about any of this woke crap we’ve seen these past years. What I mean is to use statements such as “I am frustrated at the moment” in front of the kids. They get language for their feelings without it leading to a speech. Also, kids will catch on quickly to the idea that emotions are what happen in life. “I am mad” becomes a solution rather than an eruption.
- Apologize when you screw up: Yeah, even to a five-year-old. “Sorry I snapped earlier – I was tired.” This reveals within the strength of vulnerability, models empathy, and teaches relationship repair. It’s blunt: kids learn mistakes aren’t the end of the world, and owning them builds respect. Even if my wife and I may have an argument from time to time, we both, have learned to discuss it out, also if the kids are present and apologize to each other as needed, and they catch this as well.
Habit 4-7: Fostering Autonomy and Kindness
Changing gears, these habits encourage kids to be independent while staying human.
- Skip teaching them “please,” “thank you,” or “sorry.”: Show them instead. When they forget, say it for them casually. I think my point is obvious: forcing them makes being polite an annoyance (more of a chore) while showing them makes them do it naturally.
- Treat small concerns seriously: “Lost my favorite stuffed animal,” “sucked at the playground”? Avoid “It’s no big deal.” Instead, say, “That feels tough.” It helps your kids develop self-esteem and indicates that you value their universe, no matter that they are a child. “It’s no big deal” teaches kids to suppress feelings, while “That’s tough” helps kids develop emotional security and self-esteem (your acknowledging them, which shows them you care as their parent).
- Hold back solutions: One of my absolute favorites, when my kids come to me – my go to phrase is “solve it.” When problems arise, ask “What do you think we should do?” rather than fixing it. This spurs critical thinking and confidence. Of course, guide if necessary, but let them lead. It’s a practical truth: over-solving creates dependence; questioning builds problem-solvers.
- Let boredom happen: This is one that annoys me (and boy does it tick off my wife) the most. No screens in the car? Good. Boredom fuels creativity and self-regulation. Kids learn to entertain themselves, finding joy in simple things. In our always-on culture, this is a quiet rebellion that strengthens inner resources. Today, so many parents just push a screen in front of their kids starting in the stroller rather then just letting them cry and see the world for what it is. That selfish nature has been instilled in us through social media and this always on culture. Lets get rid of it.
These seven things I’ve listed aren’t magic bullets, but they’re grounded in observation (at least I would think so). Ever notice how kids mirror us more than they listen? That’s the edge here – live it (like in all scenarios in life), and they follow.
Key Takeaways
- Silence is not avoidance but a means to processing.
- Labeling emotions encourages children to do the same thing too.
- Apologies are models for accountability and empathetic behavior.
- Politeness modeling is more powerful in its long-term effects than forced manners.
- Validating small issues helps build large trust.
- Questioning, and not solving, promotes independence.
- Boredom is a gift to creativity and self-reliance.
One Challenge
In the next 24 hours, choose one habit like sitting in silence during an upset – and try it. Notice what happens. No big commitments; just test the waters.
What is one thing you’d change about yourself as a child, related to an emotional habit, and think about how you’ll pass this lesson on to your kids.
