Growing Up Analog, Then Going Online

Many of us (especially those millennials which I am) were introduced to “real life” first (that sounds kind of funny, but I’ll leave it at that) – consequences in real time, smaller social circles, slower feedback cycles – and then watched the internet turn from a useful tool into a place people live. Baby boomers never experienced childhood online. We millennials often had both worlds growing up. Gen Z (and everyone thereafter), born digital, often navigate this digital world as natives but still grapple with the same kind of traps. And then the culture shifted fast.

What’s relevant now has nothing to do with nostalgia. What’s relevant in my opinion is: How do you maintain a clear mind and a calm and steady life in a world where your reward and your reward alone is speed, status, and spectacle?

The Mindset Shift

A tool is something you pick up and put down.

A place is what shapes you: norms, incentives, identity, conflict resolution styles, what gets rewarded, what gets punished.

When you begin to think about the internet as a place, a couple of things become clear:

• Why “being right” often loses to “being loud.”
• Why people escalate instead of resolving.
• Why attention becomes a currency you can accidentally worship.,

My helpful framework is don’t ask yourself, “How much time am I online?” (yes, that is also relevant, but not for this point), rather ask yourself “What kind of neighborhood am I spending time in?”

The Scale Problem

In the offline world, having a limited “social radius,” meaning having a small number of people around us with similar levels of status and achievement, is very typical. However, on the internet, everyone can be part of your “social radius” which results in massive crowds, and that changes behavior. When the “audience” refers to a large crowd, the end result you get is crowd dynamics:

• dunking as sport
• pile-ons as belonging
• moral certainty as social glue
• performative outrage as status

Even if you’re calm in real life, you can get pulled into this because the environment is designed to trigger:

• urgency (“respond now”)
• identity threat (“if you don’t react, you’re complicit”)
• social proof (“look how many people agree”)

My mindset move: if an environment profits from your emotional reaction, your calm becomes an act of self-respect.

“Kid Rules” vs “Adult Rules” Online

I was recently reading a post with comments online and it brought me to this reflection that the reason online conflict feels so weird is that a lot of it runs on “kid rules”:

• dominance games
• humiliation as leverage
• punishment as entertainment
• threats instead of dialogue
• “pick a side” instead of “solve the problem”

In real life (technically) – I feel a lot of this online crap has shifted into the real world as well, but in my view adult rules look boring by comparison:

• clarify first
• separate facts from interpretation
• name the goal
• set boundaries
• take sensitive conflict out of public arenas

The internet often rewards kid rules because they’re louder and faster. But kid rules also burn careers, relationships, and mental health. So to me ,the win isn’t “going viral.” The win is staying sane and effective.

The Downfall Pattern

I find that the real “downfall” isn’t that the internet exists. It’s when you can’t leave it mentally and when the place starts living in you.

Here are a few things I think give signs of whether or not “the place” is living in you:

• you’re rehearsing arguments in your head at night
• your mood is tied to comments and metrics
• you can’t focus without checking
• you feel behind unless you’re consuming
• you confuse attention with progress

This is where mindset becomes strategy: you need rules that protect your attention, your relationships, and your sense of agency.

How To Operate In “Adult Mode”

Here is my checklist for you and my recommendation to use this before posting, replying, or escalating – especially when you’re triggered.

1. Pause for a full minute. If you’re flooded, you’re impulsive.
2. Name the goal (one sentence). Inform? Persuade? Set a boundary? Repair?
3. Choose the smallest effective action. Comment, DM, call, or do nothing.
4. Ask one clarifying question. If you can’t, you probably don’t understand enough.
5. Speak in specifics, not verdicts. “Here’s what I saw / here’s what I propose.”
6. Exit public arenas for real conflict. Public = performance pressure. Private = resolution.
7. Protect tomorrow-you. Don’t create a mess you’ll have to clean up later.

Adult Mode is not “being nice.” It’s being hard to manipulate.

Key Takeaways

• The internet shapes you like a place, not a neutral tool.
• Massive scale pushes people toward crowd behavior and performance.
• Online incentives often reward “kid rules,” but adult rules win in real life.
• Calm is a competitive advantage – in work, health, and relationships.
• Your attention is your life. Guard it like it matters (because it does).

One Challenge (next 24h)

Pick one online space you use daily (X, IG, Slack, WhatsApp, Reddit – whatever).

For the next 24 hours:

• No reactive replies. Wait 10 minutes before responding to anything emotionally charged.
• One clarifying question only. If you respond, ask a question instead of making a point.
• One clean exit line. If it stays heated: “I’m not doing this here. Happy to talk 1:1.”

Notice how much energy you get back.

Reflective question

Where are you still playing by the internet’s rules – when you’d actually prefer to live by your own?